Breaking up is hard to do, and in the tabloid world it’s prohibitively expensive too. Prince Charles and Camilla are in the midst of a “$250 million divorce,” claims the ‘Globe’ front page, though the story inside admits: “ . . . she’s telling friends she’s willing to settle for $25 million.” So it’s not a $250 million divorce at all, is it?
Meanwhile, bombastic broadcaster Rush Limbaugh is in the midst of a “$470 million divorce shocker,” claims the ‘National Enquirer,” which suggests - erroneously - that Limbaugh is worth more than Prince Charles. And what would his wife Kathryn settle for?
Not to be left out, Julia Roberts has a “$225 million divorce looming,” asserts the ‘Globe,’ which has been flogging this dead horse for several years. I imagine that Roberts stays with hubby Danny Moder just to spite the tabloids. Or perhaps divorce is simply too expensive?
Sabotaged planes are also on tabloid minds this week. After actress Jennifer Lawrence’s private plane was forced to make an emergency landing recently, the ‘National Enquirer’ asks: “Was it sabotage?” Could her jet have been tampered with “by a shadowy group of revenge-seeking hackers” after she has spoken out vociferously against hackers?
There’s a simple rule in the tabloids: If a headline ends in a question mark, then the answer is always: No. These publications are routinely willing to state with categorical assurance anything that they vaguely suspect could have happened. When the tabloids are dubious enough about their own stories to end the headline with a question mark, you can be sure that even they can’t believe they’re writing this crap.
There’s yet more plane tampering alleged by the ‘National Examiner,’ whose cover story declares: “JFK Crash Mystery Solved! It was a Bomb!” Perhaps somebody should gently point out to the ‘Examiner’ that JFK was killed by a sniper’s bullets, and that it was his son, John Jr, who died in a plane crash. I know, it seems petty to quibble, but I’m pretty sure that JFK was in a Lincoln Continental, not a Piper Saratoga, when he died. Who wanted John Jr dead? “It was murder at the hands of the Mafia,” says the ‘Examiner,' though it seems sadly confused. At first it reports that JFK Jr was slain as “an act of revenge” against his father’s battling the mob. But later the story asserts that Jr was killed because he was investigating his father’s assassination, and “The mob feared its involvement would be revealed.” Make your mind up, guys.
While White House press briefings increasingly reveal nothing of merit, the ‘Enquirer’ continues to bring us the big political stories: President Trump is poised to fire top advisers including Jeff Sessions, Kellyanne Conway, Sean Spicer, Ben Carson and special counsel Robert Mueller, who will all be axed on a “bloody Sunday” in July. Why wait until July? And why a Sunday? The ‘Enquirer’ doesn’t enlighten us. “What’s more, at least FOUR of those individuals will not only be slapped with a pink slip, but also a criminal charge of treason!” That’s big talk from the ‘Enquirer,’ which claims to have close ties with the Commander in Chief. The ‘Enquirer’ captions its exclusive “What The Mainstream Media Isn’t Telling You!” Perhaps there’s a reason for that..
The ‘Enquirer’ continues its war on Fox TV -defector Megyn Kelly, branding her “America’s Most Hated Mom!” following her interview with Sandy Hook massacre denier Alex Jones. Why “mom,” I wonder? Why not ‘America’s most hated woman?’Could it be because Hillary Clinton already claims that crown? How does being a mother affect Kelly’s work as a broadcaster, and how does her interview with Jones reflect on her abilities as a mother? It’s unadulterated sexism from the ‘Enquirer.’ I’m shocked . . . shocked, I tell you.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative squad at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Sara Sampaio (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, SNL’s Leslie Jones hates people who put chewing gum on their plates, actress Sutton Foster (Seriously - who she, Ed?) carries Kind bars, Larabar bars, and Orbit gum in her Marc Jacobs tote bag (can you say “oral fixation?”), and that the stars are just like us: they eat pizza, shop, get mani-pedis, and feed parking meters. Unlike us, however, the stars are stalked by paparazzi as they perform these quotidian tasks.
‘Us’ mag devotes its cover to TV’s "Bachelor in Paradise Scandal" asking “Who’s Telling the Truth?” As always, the presence of the question mark means that they haven’t the faintest idea. It’s also a cover story eclipsed by events after going to print, since the production company has since concluded that nothing “inappropriate” occurred, which on a TV show that plies contestants with alcohol, encourages sexual promiscuity and rewards outrageous behavior with screen time, may be technically accurate, since they set such a low bar that only serial murder might qualify as “inappropriate.”
‘People’ magazine devotes its cover to Chip and Joanna Gaines, who claim to be “Living Our Dream.” If I knew who the heck these people were I might care more about their dream, and I’m not much the wiser after reading that they host the HGTV series ‘Fixer Upper,’ but I’m glad they’re happy and living the dream.
Both ‘People’ and ‘Us’ mags are obsessed with Beyoncé’s newborn twins, each devoting two pages to their birth, though neither has a scrap of real information. “They’re here!” is the best that ‘People’ can muster, which can’t even guess at their gender. At least ‘Us’ mag has a stab, claiming it’s a boy and a girl. Seems reasonable. How wrong could they be?
Leave it to the ‘Examiner’ to bring us word that “Aliens are out there - and right here too!” Before we leap to condemn such fantastical reportage, it should be noted that they are quoting billionaire space entrepreneur Robert Bigelow, who made these comments on CBS’s ostensibly respectable show ’60 Minutes.’ Apparently there’s no need to look for aliens in space, because they are already "right under our noses,” said Bigelow. Well, if you can’t trust ’60 Minutes,’ who can you trust? Enquiring minds want to know.
Onwards and downwards . . . .
